Mann's Generation, Mad Mann, or, Fish
by A. Mann
Summary: Fish Livingston hasn't taken his pills, his actions lead to Picard believing that he doesn't deserve to wear his uniform. Crusher teaches some Romulans to dance, and Mann is multiplied by Riker and begins to dominate the ship.


**Mann's Generation**

**Mad Mann… or fish.**

**Season six.**

* * *

><p>Captian's Log, something strange is going on around here, Livingston is getting very strange, Pinky is acting concerned, and Mann's head has been thrusted through the wall of my bathroom, lucky I'm covered in bubbles…<p>

Mann: I'm sorry but it's Riker, I ordered a chocolate ice cream from the replicator, and he objected.

* * *

><p>In Picard's Ready Room later, Mann, Data and Geordi are talking.<p>

Mann: Now, what was so urgent that I had to prise the door open for us enter this room for conversational privacy?

Data: Geordi is being unreasonable. He refuses to manually adjust the internal fluid recycling system in my rectal unit.

Geordi: I am not putting my hand in there again.

Data: It needs to be done as part of my annual diagnostic.

Geordi: More like anal diagnostic.

Mann: So who did it before you came aboard if it's annual?

Geordi: Himself.

Data: It would be easier for both of us if you did it.

Mann: Adjust the thing with a tricorder from the outside.

Data: It is not possible since that day when you shoved Spot in there and she hacked until free.

Mann: So I indirectly broke your 'tricorder registration of' recycling system?

Geordi: This is why we need a mediator.

Mann: What you think I should do it?

Geordi: Yeah. You stick your hand up Data's behind and perform the tests on his fluid recycling system, then while you're in there, replace the battery for his internal translator.

Mann: Erm… HOLODECK! Holodeck. That can help. I think Riker has a couple of programs that might be able to help you Data…

Geordi: Yeah, or he could use one of mine I suppose, it would take less modification.

Mann stands open-mouthed.

Geordi: What?

Data backs away and pulls a face.

Geordi: It's an engineering training program about how to operate mechanical excavation arms.

Mann: O-o-o-h-h-h-h… I see, unlike you… anyway, Data, Mister No-emotion, why the face?

Data: Immita…

Mann: I don't believe it.

Data: Very well.

Without warning, white gas floods the room.

Data: Deploying environmental protection…

Data shudders and two masks attached to pipes dangle from the lower of his trouser legs.

The air fills with gas, as Mann and Geordi drag the masks to their heights and wear them while frowning at each other.

Mann grabs Data and Geordi and pushes towards the door, the three move together out of the door, eventually in single file, and head for the aft stations, once there, they tap buttons until the gas disappears.

They then remove the masks which retract, causing Data to shudder again.

Mann: What can't you do with that thing?

Geordi: Yeah, we need to have a talk about your anal access port.

Mann: Ha.

Mann realises.

Mann: Pinky!

The three run into the ready room past the unconscious crew.

Mann: Pinky!

Pinky: WHAT THE?

He is beamed away.

Mann turns.

Mann: Data, what kind of gas was that?

Data: I do not know, I could attempt to analyse the environmental system logs.

Mann: anything stranger than that?

Data: It would be faster to sample and identify it by collecting a breath sample from a crewman who has inhaled it.

Mann: How can you do that?

Data: I can intake a sample by positioning either my rear or my mouth unit near the nose of a crewman, and collect a sample when they breath out, I can then test it with complicated hardware.

Mann: Do it, erm… Counsellor Troi. Use your rear unit.

Data runs to the bridge, Mann and Geordi slowly follow.

Worf, Riker, and Troi lie in the command centre.

Data positions his rear unit above Troi's face…

Data: Taking sample.

Mann moves Worf's hand on to Riker's backside and chuckles.

Geordi: Is this a good idea?

Mann: It is.

Data: Is that considered funny?

Mann: To all but Worf and Riker.

Data: The gas was neuroxine. They will all recover in about twenty minutes.

Mann: Good, computer, who transported Pinky and to where?

Computer: Unknown.

Mann: That was useful.

Geordi: Computer, any crew members lying in dangerous or undignified positions?

Computer: Commander Riker, Lieutenant Worf, and Captain Picard.

Mann: Picard? Where's he?

Computer: Captain Picard is located in his bath tub.

Mann: Oh no, let's go!

The three run into the back lift.

* * *

><p>In Picard's bathroom a couple of minutes later, Data runs in and drops Mann and Geordi whom he was carrying.<p>

Mann: Wow, I thought that thing about infinite speed was a lie because he hardly ever uses it.

Mann drags Picard out of his bath and into his main room.

The other two follow.

Mann: Captain?

Mann starts first aid…

Data: Geordi? Should I smack people in the upper left chest and use foul language like the Mann did?

Geordi: No Data, that is a bad thing to do.

Data: Comical violence is most unusual.

Mann: This should be working! DATA! Tip him upside down!

Data picks up Picard and holds him upside down.

Mann: Nothing? …WAIT! Where's that pointy crystal he likes to carry around when he's talking?

Geordi: And where is Livingston's tank?

Mann: Data, let him down.

Data drops Picard.

Mann shoves his hand down Picard's throat.

Data: You will do that for him but not the other for me?

Mann: Got it!

He pulls out the crystal and throws it away.

He resumes first aid.

Crusher walks in.

Crusher: What is he doing?

Data: Unknown, I believe it may be a Klingon mating ritual.

Geordi: Why is that Mann kissing that man?

Crusher: No idea…

Mann: Breathe it out you git!

Mann jumps up, and stamps on Picard…

Picard coughs and spits out water, and is helped up by Geordi who then slips on it.

Picard tries to speak but his words turn to bubbles as some fly from his mouth, he grabs a flask and takes a sip of water, lucky there was a flask nearby.

Picard: Beverl-eh, you are the single worst doctor in the entire galaxy! …Now then, what are you all doing here and why am I cold and shrivelled? Why does my throat hurt?

Mann: You choked on that damn crystal again! I had to save you.

Picard: DOCTOR, YOU ARE THE SINGLE WORST DOCTOR IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY!

Mann: Sir, Pinky was transported away and Livingston isn't in here.

Picard: He isn't?

Mann: Nope.

Geordi: The crew were all gassed except for us four...

Mann: Why four? Why is Crusher up and about?

Crusher: I was looking for a cure and got trapped while searching the corpse tubes in the morgue again where the air is isolated.

Mann: When they say 'chase' or 'find' cures, they don't mean you physically explore your surroundings for them.

Picard: We need to get to the bridge…

Mann: Ok, but, get dressed first… OW…

Picard: I'm happy to see you. You saved me. And you care about my fish.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, a uniformed Picard and Mann, Data, Crusher and Geordi stand on the bridge in the command centre.<p>

Mann: Data, check the air again.

Data crouches over Troi's face.

Everyone starts to wake, and sees Worf and Riker's pose.

The crew giggle, as does Picard, as Riker and Worf wake and realise, then Riker sees Data over Troi and tries to hit him, but is dragged down by Worf.

Worf: It appears that we must now take the oath…

Picard: Everyone to yellow alert, Mister Worf, please locate Pinky and Livingston.

Everyone but Picard heads to their usual posts, and except Mann, as Mm is at the helm. Mann instead heads for tactical and stands by Worf.

Worf: Scanning the inside of the ship…

Data: I am initiating a sensor sweep of the local region.

Mann: Worf, didn't there used to be a yacht there?

He turns and looks at Geordi's post.

Mann: Where's the yacht?

Picard: MY YACHT! THOSE FISH HAVE TAKEN MY YACHT! FOR WHAT PURPOSE, NOT ANOTHER BOOZE-UP!

Worf's console beeps.

Mann presses a button on it.

Voice: THIS IS OUTPOST SLIMEBALL! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY A ROMULAN WARSHIP AND A PLEASURE CRUISER!

Picard: MY YACHT! They can't cross the border with that stuff I stashed in the holds, I could be jailed if anyone found out, we can't let them defect to the Romulans…

Mann: Rewind a minute there Baldy… What's in the hold?

Riker: Yes, Captain?

Data spins and stares.

Picard: Ensign Mm, set course for the outpost, warp nine! Engage.

Mm: Mm…

The engaged noise sounds and the ship warps out.

It arrives later at a standard starbase.

Picard: Traces of my yacht?

Mann: Reading some warp signatures distant, the station looks alright…

Data: We are being hailed… (Data is now sitting normally by the way)

Picard: On screen.

Everyone stands up and stares at the screen in horror seeing Livingston in a tank, on the command chair of a Romulan ship, with Tomelak at this side, and Pinky in a tank, on a stool, with an anvil dangling on a rope above him.

Picard walks slowly towards the viewer.

Livingston: I see I now finally have your attention… I am Lord Livingston, of the Romulan Empire. I am not defecting, I am wilfully resigning from the Federation duties and signing up in a new job.

Picard: Livingston?

Livingston: I suspected you'd not know why I switched sides.

Picard: Livingston, RETURN MY YACHT!

Livingston: I need it. So… NO. … Wanna know why I left?

Mann bored: N-o.

Livingston: Pinky, always Pinky, you ignored me, you mistreated me, it was always Pinky, and now, it is the end of Pinky!

The anvil drops into the tank and appears to squash the swimming fish inside.

Picard: NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

Livingston: Good bye Jonny. Tomelak of the Warbird Deloris, is my Jonny now.

The screen goes off.

Comm: Captain this is Guinan, is everything alright up there?

Riker: Not now Guinan.

Picard is frozen in horror.

Riker tries to fight tears.

Data is puzzled, Mm is stunned, Geordi is looking the wrong way, Worf looks miserable.

Mann: He's moving out of range into Romulan space… This is a neutral sector, we can't technically break the zone by pursuing, but the Romulans would be angry if we did, Livingston resigned, so we have no reason to get him… Then there's the yacht, the Romulans would argue it's the only way to escape the 'oppressive' Federation. It's all almost proper procedure… He must have planned this…

Picard: P-u-h… P-u-h… Pink…

Mann: Data! MONITOR THAT ROMULAN SHIP AS LONG AS YOU CAN, WORF, TAKE A BATH. GEORDI, SCAN THE SHIP TO LOCATE ANY BUGS THAT LIVINGSTON MAY HAVE LEFT, AND ENSIGN MM, YOU, AND THAT IDIOT DANG SEARCH FOR THINGS IN THAT CLIP TO REVEAL ANY TRICKS, I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE PINKY IS REALLY DEAD, he did that to devastate us, but he needs Pinky. Crusher, check with Alyssa, ask if Livingston had taken his pills.

Picard rushes out into the front lift.

Picard: Picard out.

Mann follows.

The two stand in the lift.

Picard: Deck Ten.

The lift moves.

Mann: Sir, it's got to be a trick.

Picard: He's dead and it's my fault.

It wouldn't be so bad if last week I hadn't betrayed… Pinky.

Mann: What?

Picard (sobbing): Livingston, wanted a ping pong game with Pinky, and I said no, because we didn't have a ping pong table, I forgot we could replicate one… Then neither were speaking to me.

Picard is now soaked completely.

Picard rests his head in his hands and fires out tears like a hose pipe.

Mann: I hope the door opens soon or I'll drown. Did you mean the fishes won't speak to you, or one fish, and one ping pong table? Oh never mind. Anyway, You couldn't have prevented this.

Picard: Oh no? Come with me…

Mann: I don't have any choice, we're in the same lift.

* * *

><p>The two go to a holodeck.<p>

Picard: Activate simulation Picard dash Pinky dash Livingston dash First.

The environment changes.

Two young lionfish bob up and down in a lake.

Holo-Livingston: Pinky? HELP! WATER! EVERYWHERE! I'M GONNA DROWN!

Holo-Pinky: What? You're a fish… you're meant to live in water.

Holo-Livingston: A-A-A-A-A-A-A! GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! I CAN'T SWIM!

He zooms upwards followed by a concerned Pinky.

Livingston leaps out of the lake on to a stoney beach where a young Picard with a comb-over stands scanning a large rock with an old tricorder.

Holo-Picard: What's this?

He looks at Livingston.

Pinky bobs up from the lake.

Holo-Pinky: THROW HIM BACK IN QUICKLY!

Holo-Picard: What is going on here? Why do you fish speak like a Jamaican-American-African person?

Holo-Livingston: Don't! I can't swim!

Holo-Pinky: He's a nut! Throw him in before he suffocates!

Holo-Picard: He's a lionfish! He could poison me!

Mann: HA! Poison poisson!

Holo-Pinky roaring really loudly: P-LEE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AS-S-S-SE! FOR ME-E-E-E-E!

Holo-Picard: Make it no…

Holo-Pinky crying: LIVINGSTON!

Holo-Picard: Very well.

He picks up Livingston and throws him at the lake.

Holo-Livingston: WAIT! I CAN'T FLY!

He splashes as he hits the lake.

Holo-Pinky: Thank you!

Holo-Picard: I'd better get to a hospital.

Holo-Pinky: Please come back and tell me how you get on, I owe you so much…

Holo-Picard: Not necessary… But… A social call may be acceptable.

Holo-Picard taps his movie-style badge.

Holo-Picard: One to beam to a medical facility, possible poisoning…

Picard beams out.

Muffle: OW MY BLOODY HAND!

The simulation vanishes.

Mann: That's it?

Picard: Yes.

Mann: THAT is how you met? And that is where you picked up the (immitating Picard's voice )'please forgive me'? How unimaginative, it really doesn't match my expectations.

* * *

><p>Later, Mann is talking to Picard in Ten Forward. Both prop up the bar.<p>

Picard: Troi is really busy counselling the senior staff, since you have the qualifications and experience, please assist her. Riker has granted clearance.

Mann: Ok, I think I can do that.

* * *

><p>Mann and Troi stand in her office later.<p>

She hands him a blue jumpsuit and curly black wig.

Mann: Is this really necessary?

Troi: If you're going to be the Counsellor Troi, you need to look the part.

Mann: How does this outfit make people feel comfortable, and at ease enough to talk?

Troi: No idea, who said it does?

Mann: It provokes men into naughty thoughts that you pick up on so you can make fun of them and torment them!

Troi: See, you're getting the hang of this…

* * *

><p>Mann is dressed as Troi, sitting in a duplicate office later.<p>

Mann: Mm? You back there protecting your Counsellor?

Muffle: Mm.

The door opens and a non-ugly female ensign in a yellow uniform, imagine how you like, steps in.

Mann: Please sit on the couch and open your mind, or minnd.

She does.

Mann: I sense your discomfort…

Woman: You bet, wouldn't have been so bad if you'd not left pins on the couch.

Mann: I think that was Riker… Or Ensign Mm pretending to be Riker.

Woman: Anyway, never mind the pins.

Mann: What's the matter?

Woman: Well Deanna, it's my boss, or rather, someone senior to me, he's really been getting to me lately.

Mann: Tell me about it.

Woman: He's demanding, he is insensitive, he always orders me to set traps around for cats. He treats me badly because I want in on his department, and he doesn't want me in it.

Mann: I see…

Woman: I hate engineering, Geordi is dumb, and I hate security because Worf stinks. He doesn't appreciate me. I can be a brilliant pilot, as well as cat offender. I've tried to show him I can be good for his department but he thinks I'm hanging around to poach Ensign Mm for a security job.

Mann: That's outrageous! You can kill cats and like flying? What's the moron's name?

Woman: Commander Mann.

Mann: Oh so you're Ensign Useless… And I should have realised by all the pilot references…Erm, I didn't realise…. I'll have a word with him and tell him how you feel…

Woman: NO! You can't! He might demote me… He outranks Worf, and has a few advantages over Geordi, he could kick me off the ship…

Mann: Well maybe if…

Woman: No one has more skill than me at barbequing cats, shoving them on sticks and rotating them… Then kicking them, throwing them…

Mann: WOW! And you don't want me to tell him all this?

Woman: No… I'm afraid he might demote me or request my transfer…

Mann: Just one point, he's not a demanding person...

Woman: What?

Mann: He's dema**nn**ding.

* * *

><p>Later, Mann is walking down a corridor, he sees the Ensign walking past looking busy.<p>

Mann: Ensign.

Woman: Counsellor? Are you walking towards Mann's quarters?

Mann: Suppose I am, maybe I should go to my own… Troi's… Troi's…

Mann walks away… He is then struck by a lightning style charge.

Mann: OW! Bloody Riker.

* * *

><p>Mann's Log, we've been examining all the logs to see what drove Livingston to defect, and Mm and Dang may have made a discovery of their own regarding the transmission from the Deloris.<p>

Comm: Mann, this is Guinan, is everything alright up there?

Mann: Why does she keep hailing when we all say Deloris?

Comm: Mann, this is Guinan, is...

* * *

><p>On the bridge later, Mann is at tactical. Worf is standing at a science post. Picard is next to Mann.<p>

Picard: .There is so much, Livingston making sneaky communications with Tomelak, plotting, hatred of Pinky… Wasn't he up here on Thursday? He could have been up to all sorts. Put bridge logs of the night shift on screen.

Mann: erm…

Picard: Make it so.

Mann: But Livingston and Pinky…

Picard: Thursday night, on screen.

Mann presses buttons, and a film plays, Mann is asleep in the big chair surrounded by beer cans. Non-entities just sit around playing cards.

Picard faces Mann.

Picard: INEXCUSABLE.

Mann: It's not my fault. It's Guinan's… Anyway, ignore that, just tell me why the Romulans would want a fish with multiple personalities and why would they kill a brilliant mind like Pinky?

Picard: ROMULANS WOULD STOP AT NOTHING TO GET HOLD OF MY PINKY! OR LIVINGSTON! One is enough, and if one is as evil as them…

Mann: Dang…

Comm: Dang here?

Mann: Shu… wait, anything from the transmission?

Comm Dang: Yes sir, Ensign Mm has found something, you and Data might be able to confirm our suspicion. Dang out.

Picard: I wish Pinky and I had been on better terms…

Mann: Look, here's a log from just before Livingston stole him.

Mann pushes a button.

Pinky recording: Pinky's Log. I realised Jonny didn't know we could replicate a ping pong table. I found a great one, made of REAL materials, it's been delivered to the cargo bay! At the weekend, I'll reveal it. I care so much for the happiness of Jonny and Livingston… Livingston is making me suspicious… The lid has been on his pill pot for three days now…

Picard (Sarek): H-E LOH-VH-S- ME!

Picard cries.

Mann: Commander Data to the dang science lab.

Comm: Dang actually.

* * *

><p>Mann walks out of the lift with Data on another deck, and they head into a science lab, Mm and Dang stand next to the main monitor.<p>

Mann: Play clip…

The clip of the anvil dropping plays.

Mann: Reduce speed seventy percent.

The clip slows.

Mann: There's no splat?

Data: Not only that, did you see the colourful flickers? I believe he may have been transported.

Mann: To make us feel awful, reduce effectiveness, and the Romulans try to get what they need from Pinky…

Data: We must inform the Captain.

Mann: Good work you two.

Data and Mann rush out and head back for the lift.

Inside, the aforementioned female Ensign stands.

Data: Greetings Ensign Catthate.

Mann: **CAT**thate? That's your name?

Catthate: Yes Sir.

Mann: Computer, bridge.

They stand in the lift, it moves.

Mann: Ensign, I am in need of a new pilot and I want you in my department.

Catthate: What?

Mann: My behaviour has been a test, the pilot is constantly bothered by Picard's wagging finger, Data's bad conversation, and Riker's insults and bragging. I needed to know you could handle it… Plus I hate Spot.

Catthate: I see…

THWACK!

Mann: OW! Guess that was a no?

Catthate: I accept.

Data: The Captain needs to approve all transfers…

Mann: I asked him this morning. He said no, until I showed him some pictu… But never mind that.

* * *

><p>For this part, remember the episode Data's Day… In the ready room later, Picard is in his chair facing the window. Mann, Riker, Data sit at the desk, and Geordi stands staring at the Stargazer model.<p>

Picard: He's dead. It's my fault. I killed him. I don't deserve to wear that uniform.

Mann: You mean that one?

He points to a uniform laid out on the couch.

Picard: That one.

Mann: Captain. We analysed the message from Livingston aboard the Deloris.

Comm: Bridge this Guinan, is everything alright up there?

Picard: Yes it is. Picard out.

Geordi: Why does she comm when someone says Deloris?

Comm: Captain this is Guinan.

Picard: Picard out.

Mann: It appears Pinky may have been beamed out of the tank before the anvil hit, there was no splat, just a few coloured lines.

Data: Yes, I confirmed that with my superior eye abilities.

Geordi: HEY!

Riker: Turn 90 degrees right Geordi.

He does so.

Riker: We've been scanning, and we know the Deloris…

Comm: Captain this is Guinan…

Riker: Computer, discontinue Guinan's comm. units until further notice.

Computer flickering beep.

Riker: The Deloris… Is now days into Romulan space, but we believe if we cross the border we can get better sensor readings…

Comm: Worf to Riker, Outpost Scumface has just reported a suspicious reading crossing into neutral space from the direction of the Romulan Empire… It could be the Warbird we're looking for.

Mann: Who named the outposts in this sector?

Picard: The common types. The backward people. Those people you don't want in society. The kind that eat rodents and marry within the family and dislike authority because they can't understand the concept.

Data: Why would Livingston return?

Geordi: He thinks we'd be easy to beat.

Riker: Worf, get someone intelligent to analyse the message…

Comm Worf: Ensign Mm, come here… look at this for Commander Riker…

Riker: Let me know when you're done. Riker out.

Comm off noise.

Mann: Pinky is alive, he's been beamed out, he's being held hostage along with your yacht… it's kidnap… well, fishnap. We have to save him. Fishnap is in violation of every agreement we had with the Romulans…

Riker: Really?

Data: As far back as the twenty second century…

Mm runs in with a PADD, Mann takes it, Mm leaves.

Mann taps PADD buttons and the display changes.

Riker looks.

Riker: Algeron Treaty, No fishnap…

Mann changes the display.

Riker: Sharing Information agreement… No fishnapping.

Mann again changes the display.

Riker: Romulan border definition Treaty… No fishnap from Starfleet space…

Mann: Now back to Mm's report.

He presses a button.

The display changes.

Mann: The message, it's fake, Livingston is trying to get us to fly out of the area, he may have some sneaky plan, that involves us looking emotionally compromised and leaving the area vulnerable. We'd be pulled from service. And we all know Picard's shouting senility is the only real barrier to the Romulans… If we left this area would be free for them to attack us, the Klingons, or neutral ships.

Riker: But where is the warbird?

Mann: Got it, message was fiddled but Mm tracked its real source, heading of… 310 mark 215… as usual.

Riker: We have him. We have every cause to go after him.

Picard: Hm…

Data thinking: Although the Captain is still facing his window, I can tell by the reflection of his face that he has begun a process of thought. Judging from past experience and protocol for the expressions of the Captain, the most logical course of action would be to head to Ten Forward and drink 79.877 litres of prune juice until he felt relieved, however, I believe from past experience also, there is only a 7% chance Captain Picard will chose that laxative alternative…

Picard mutters angrily: They, they took my yacht and my Pinky…

Picard seriously and senile: Red Alert, (red alert sounds at the same time) all crew stand to battle stations.

He stands.

All: E-U-U-U-U-R-R-R-R-C-C-C-C-H-H-H!

Everyone stands and heads in a line to bridge followed by a stompy and unclothed Picard, as Red Alert sounds and lights flash.

The bunch head for their stations as non-entity crewmen leave.

Riker walking: Worf, shields up STAND BY PHASERS!

He sits, followed by Picard a moment later.

Mann sitting swings his console to himself and taps.

Mann: Standing by on Warp drive.

Geordi takes his post.

Geordi: Engines ready, standing by to transfer warp power to shields.

Picard: Mister Mann, warp nine, ENGAGE! (hand flick)

Mann: I don't have updated co-ordinates or control over the autopilot…

Data at his post sits… and sits… and sits…

Mann: Data?

Data: Ah, is this what is known as, initiative?

Everyone: A-W-W-W-W-W-W!

Picard: You stupid robot.

Mann: Dang!

…

…

…

Mann: I gagged him and melted his commbadge. He won't be bothering us for a while.

Data: Transferring information to the helm and releasing systems.

Mann waits three seconds, his console beeps.

Mann: Finally…

He taps buttons.

Mann: Course laid in, warp speed engaged.

Everyone sits looking tense and silently, with only red alert sirens being heard…

Ten minutes later…

Mann: This is so boring… how long until we reach the Deloris?

Comm: Mann, this is Guinan, someone broke my comm system, is everything alright up there?

Mann: No, not really. I'm bored. Mann out.

Comm out noise.

Data: We have three hours until we reach our destination.

All sigh impatiently.

Mann: In that case I'm goin'. I've got something important to take care of. Ensign Mm, helm's yours.

Mann gets up and heads for the back lift as Mm walks down from the science stations.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later Mann is running slowly down a corridor as red alert continues, crewmen jump from his path looking concerned that something dramatic could happen, but it doesn't… Mann reaches the bar and heads for a table on the right by the window. The room is lightly crowded.<p>

A bar-guy approaches.

Mann: Ten vimto please.

The bar guy walks off.

Ensign Catthate walks over.

Catthate: Is this seat taken.

Mann: Yes, get lost.

He looks up.

Mann: Oh, it's you, please, sit.

She does.

Mann: We're heading for the Deloris…

Guinan distant: Yeah?

Mann: And it's gonna take another two hours and fifteen minutes. There's only so long I can sit around looking tense and concerned and honourable.

Catthate: Is this a revenge mission?

Mann: Mostly. But we think Pinky could be alive… Ensign Mm is a miracle worker, but I still haven't forgiven him for that time Spot and I were left alone on the ship and he took the last escape pod without me…

Catthate: Oh yeah, the whole crew waited outside for you to kill her, and in the end Riker did by landing a shuttle on her.

Mann: Shore leave isn't shore leave if you're not on a space ship hunting a cat.

A guy comes over and places a tray of purple juice drinks in normal glasses on the table, he then walks off.

Mann: Thanks.

Catthate: I was wondering, have you been talking to Troi?

Mann: Does the Captain have hair?

Catthate: So she told you nothing about our meeting recently?

Mann: Nope. Is there something I should know?

Catthate: Nope…

Mann: Good. Now, we need to get you a red uniform as soon as possible, in yellow you're a target for every malfunction or crazy Romulan with an over-powered disruptor…

* * *

><p>Later, Mann and Catthate are in a room that looks like sickbay but has big replicators in it that look like photocopiers.<p>

Mann: Computer, three command division uniforms for size of Ensign Catthate…

Three folded red jumpers appear.

Mann hands them to her.

Catthate: Thanks Mann, I'll change into these before my next shift.

Mann: If you want I can help you undress and change…

Catthate: WHAT?

Mann: What?

Catthate: You pig!

Mann: I said I can help you progress and change… In... your new job.

Catthate: Oh… I see.

Geordi and Ensign Pigg walk in.

Mann: Oh dear.

Geordi: You see do you? so glad for you.

Pigg: yeah, and Pigg actually.

Mann: Computer, Batleth.

Geordi: Uh oh!

* * *

><p>Later, Mann dressed as Troi walks down a corridor and over to Ensign Catthate.<p>

Mann: I sense something… Something Riker would kill you for.

Catthate: What?

Mann: I am Deanna Troi, and you are coming to dinner with me later.

Catthate: Erm… I'm afraid I'm busy…

Mann: I, Troi, will not take no for an answer, maybe marriage will follow…

Catthate: Erm. I'm sorry Counsellor, I can't marry you… ever. I erm… already have a person in mind in that area, besides Commander Riker would kill me.

Mann: Who could be a more perfect partner for you than me, Counsellor Troi?

Catthate: Erm, a man, a, Mann, yes, that'll do, Mann.

Mann: Fine, but don't expect any counselling for a while.

* * *

><p>Later in Ten Forward, Mann and Catthate (dressed normally) are talking by the central viewport.<p>

Mann: So if you don't put in enough water into the squash, the juice tastes terrible.

Troi walks in.

Catthate: Uh oh… Erm…

Mann: AAA!

...

Troi sees, looks alarmed, then heads for the bar.

Mann: Wow, erm, so… what's with the tonsil diagnostic Ensign?

Catthate: I'm sorry but Troi is after me. She told me before she wants to marry me. I'm trying to put her off talking to me.

Mann: For the best I suppose… … She's looking again…

…

…

Mann: heh heh heh…

* * *

><p>Later on the bridge, Riker, Mann and Worf are looking at the tactical console, Worf is rapidly pressing buttons.<p>

Mann: OH! THERE! THAT BARREL!

Riker: No! Head for the tube!

Mann: UP! No! Right!

Riker: Throw it!

Computer: GAME OVER.

Worf: OFFH!

Mann: Nice move idiot.

Riker: I'm glad you aren't controlling me.

The unoccupied helm station beeps in blasts of three.

The three look at it in suspense, Mann heads for it and sits.

Mann: Reading a ship a few kilometres ahead on the same heading, warbird class… It's the Deloris.

Comm: Mann, this is Guinan, is everything alright up there?

Picard: Stations everyone.

Riker moves to his chair.

Picard: Worf, on my mark, disable their engines with everything you have, attack pattern Pinky-One…

Worf: Your new attack pattern has been accepted.

Mann: Closing into weapons range… They've spotted us.

Picard: AND FIRE!

A massive blast of bright orange flies from the Enterprise to the warbird, the warbird spins around and out of warp.

Picard: Stay with it!

The Enterprise tilts and glides out of warp.

Picard: We need to stop them from repairing, and attacking.

Mann: Then let's go!

Picard: Mister Mann?

Picard stands up.

Mann: Alright! Away team to transporter room three!

All but the non-entities, Riker and Geordi, and Worf leave the bridge through the back lift.

* * *

><p>On the Romulan ship in a cargo bay, filled with brown crates, Picard, Mann, Mm, Guinan, Crusher, Data holding Spot, Troi, Catthate, beam in holding weapons, Picard and Mann hold phasers, Crusher's is in her holster (Phaser-holster), Guinan has a large bronze rifle, everyone else has a phaser rifle, except Spot of course.<p>

Picard: Mann, you and I will find Pinky, Guinan, Mm, you two find Livingston, Data and Troi, knowing what you know about warbirds, head for Engineering and delay repair efforts, Crusher and Catthate, sabotage whatever you find. Let's go.

Mann: Captain, burn that phaser holster when we get back…

Guinan: You think he would have put on a uniform for this… or any clothing…

All but Guinan and Mm leave the room.

Guinan: I think we should search this cargo bay…

Mm: Mm.

* * *

><p>On the bridge, Tomelak stands by his chair.<p>

Crusher wanders in looking clueless and bumps into him.

Tomelak: What the?

Crusher: Hello, I'm Beverley…

Tomelak: Erm… Tomelak.

Crusher: I'm Beverley, this is Tomelak, and you are…

Tomelak: The Captain, and your worst nightmare…

Crusher: Why? I always thought my worst nightmare was falling into a large speaker system while dancing on rollerblades…

Tomelak: Dancing?

Crusher: Yes…

Tomelak suspicious: Show me?

Crusher: Ok, but I don't wanna be known as the dancing doctor again…

Tomelak: very well…

Tomelak stands.

Crusher quickly taps for a minute.

Crusher: Now you try…

Tomelak: What? Erm… Ok…

The crew standing around now stare.

Tomelak taps badly.

Crusher: Good, but watch me, then follow, let's start slow…

Tomelak: Everyone I propose to says that, no wonder I'm so angry and quick to charge disruptors…

Crusher: Take your fury out on the floor…

Tomelak grabs a disruptor and fires at the flooring.

Crusher: That's not what I meant…

She taps, he watches, joins…

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, Mann and Picard walk into dark crew-quarters…<p>

Mann: I don't like this…

Picard: I do, a breath of fresh air… I've never felt so liberated…

Mann: Not that, that's a whole other problem, I mean I'm suspicious of the dark.

Picard: Good thing Jardi's not here… He wouldn't be able to see… and he can't anyway, plus he'd complain about the darkness thing.

Mann: Duh.

Lights turn on to reveal a fish in a tank on a table with dynamite sticks in the sand at the bottom.

Mann: FISH!

Fish: MANN! JONNY! HELP! HE PUT EXPLOSIVES IN HERE!

Picard steps forward looking optimistic.

Mann: WAIT!

He blocks Picard with his arm.

Mann: This could be a trick.

Fish: IT'S NOT!

Mann: Oh yeah? You appear to be in water, what if you drown?

Fish: Non-sense… I'm a … a fish… fish… yes, fish like water… FISH, WATER, DROWN…. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! I'M GONNA DROWN!

Mann: Livingston…

Livingston: AAAA!

Livingston evil: STOP IT! HE'S TRYING TO TRICK US!

Livingston nice: LET'S TRUST HIM!

Livingston dumb: I WAN' I-TH-CWEEM!

Livingston evil: QUIET ALL OF YOU!

Mann: A fish with multiple personalities… nuts.

Picard: Yes, thanks for noticing, they're very co-ol right now.

Picard stands with his legs apart...

Mann: Oh good lord…

* * *

><p>In engineering, Data and Troi walk in and are stared at by Romulans standing around, they approach one at the main console.<p>

Romulan: Prepare to die!

Troi: WHY?

Romulan: You are outnumbered, and your ship, is about to be destroyed, it will take only a minute to repair the weapons…

Troi: But you use an artificial quantum singularity as a power source, the system in this state cannot cope with the excess power charge, if you route it to weapons that quickly you could blow up the weapons array…

Data: Counsellor? Your deception skill is amazing.

Troi: What deception? It's a bad move…

The Romulan taps buttons.

Romulan: She's right! I should stabilise the power network first…

Troi: And a diagnostic on the targeting computer might be needed too…

Data: Counsellor?

Troi: Well, I may not be the most technically minded person on our ship, but Romulan ships? Try and stop me… and before you do, it's an expression, not a directive.

Data: So I should put down this pipe I was about to hit you with?

Troi: That would be a good place to start.

* * *

><p>On the bridge, Crusher and Tomelak are surrounded by Romulans.<p>

Crusher: Ok, from the top…

They all start tapping wildly…

* * *

><p>In the crew-quarters…<p>

Mann taps his badge.

Mann: Enterprise, we've found Livingston. Beam him to sickbay.

Livingston evil: NO! I'LL BLOW THIS THING UP FIRST….

Picard: GOOD! At least then it won't mess up my sickbay.

Livingston: Computer, Livingston one! NOW!

The tank beams out.

Mann: DANG!

Comm: Dang here.

Mann: How did you get out of those restraints?

Picard: Come on, let's go get Mm and Guinan…

* * *

><p>Later the two walk past the cargo bay, then stop, step back, and see that Mm and Guinan have opened all the crates and are drinking all the ale that was inside them.<p>

Picard: INEXCUSABLE!

Mann: YEAH! I'M OUTRAGED BY THIS!

Picard: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE US ANY?

Mann: EXACTLY!

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, in a corridor, Catthate walks holding a rifle.<p>

Catthate: Damn Crusher, she said she was exploring a doorway, not using it… I wish I was strangling Spot instead.

Two occupied fish tanks on legs with wheels, and two Romulans head in from around a corner.

Catthate: Livingston? Pinky?

Livingston: KILL HER!

Slow motion now…

The Romulans aim and fire before she reacts…

Pinky in the tank on her left jumps out of the water…

Pinky: N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

He spikes both Romulans in their faces causing them to fall down, and their weapons to miss their target, Pinky then lands in Livingston's tank.

Normal motion now…

Livingston: YOU IDIOT!

Pinky: Your troops are as fishy as your mental state!

He starts to hit Livingston's face with his flippers.

Catthate taps her badge.

Catthate: Catthate to away team, I've found them both! Deck four section one.

* * *

><p>On the bridge, the dancing stops as Crusher leaves.<p>

Tomelak: That was fun… Now, what was I going to do? Oh yes, destroy the Interprise!

A grate falls off the ceiling followed instantly with a hissing ball of fur that hacks Tomelak's face…

See, there was a point to Spot being there.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the rest of the team join Catthate.<p>

Picard: Wow, Pinky you clobbered him.

Livingston bobs at an angle, his mouth open at one side with eyes partially shut.

Pinky: This dynamite is still here…

Picard: I'll get it.

He sticks his hand in the tank and removes the sticks.

Picard: It's made of sausages! Vegetarian sausages!

Mann: Ohw…

Spot flies out of a door nearby.

Spot: Mrow…

Mann: Wow, someone managed to tire her out.

Catthate: Wish it was me.

Mann: Tired out or attacking Spot?

Catthate: The second one.

Mann: Right. Good.

Comm: TOMELAK TO ALL PERSONNEL, EVACUATE THE SHIP IMMEDIATELY! REPEAT, EVACUATE!

Picard: Ha.

Catthate: Running scared?

Picard, Mann, Guinan: Nah… something's up.

Mann taps his badge.

Mann: Riker, beam us out.

…

Mann: Riker? Hm…

Mann goes over to wall and presses the black interface panel, some displays show.

Mann: Oh dear, Troi, you set them to work on repairs to the warp systems?

Troi: Yes?

Mann: Now, they've evacuated in escape pods, and set the ship to warp into a planet.

Troi: I see.

Picard: Hm…

The warbird flies sideways into a brown planet. The Enterprise approaches orbit a few minutes later.

On the planet, away from the wreckage the bunch stand on a stoney beach by a lake. Pinky and Livingston are in it.

Pinky: Lucky this lake was here, who would think two tanks would smash when rattled badly by a crashing starship?

Outside the lake, Picard stands staring at it.

Pinky and Livingston bob on the surface.

Livingston: SCREW YOU LOT!

He zooms off the other way.

Pinky: WAIT!

Livingston: NO! I KNOW WHAT YOU DO TO PRISONER FISH! YOU EAT THEM!

Picard: NO! WE DON'T! WE CAN HELP YOU!

Livingston: NO!

Pinky: WAIT! STOP! DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE MET?

Mann: I do so can we not repeat the memory in a semi-narrated flashback please?

Pinky: You wouldn't have even lived this long if you and I hadn't been able to trust one bald man.

Everyone looks at Mann.

Mann: NOT ME! He said man with one N, besides, I am not bald.

Pinky: Livingston! Please come back with us! You won't survive on this planet, there's no holodeck or water filter!

Livingston dumb: I WAN' I-TH-CWEEM!

Picard: I HAVE ICED CREAM!

Livingston dumb: I LIKE I-TH CWEEM!

He swims back and Picard picks him up.

Picard: Promise not to sting me and you'll get your ice cream.

Livingston evil: NO! STING!

Livingston dumb: M-NO! WAN' I-TH CWEEM!

Mann smacks his badge.

Mann: RIKER, I'VE GOT MY HAND ON TROI'S THIGH!

Comm: YOU BAS…

Mann: I haven't. Just wanted to know if comm worked.

Comm Riker: Watch your mouth Mann! OR I'LL RIP IT OFF YOU!

Picard: ENOUGH! Beam us out of here.

Comm Riker: Can't. Transporters are being affected by some gas thing in the atmosphere.

* * *

><p>On the Enterprise at the Engineering table, Riker and Geordi stand at opposite sides.<p>

Geordi: We can get them out if we strengthen containment.

Riker: We need a transporter expert, contact Chief O'Brien on DS Nine.

* * *

><p>On the planet meanwhile…<p>

Mann: Catthate?

Catthate: I'm concerned, I'm still wearing yellow… I could've been shot if Pinky hadn't broken his vow not to use violence. I'm a little nervous…

Mann: Aw, come here…

He hugs Catthate…

Catthate: Is this usual practice for a department head?

Mann: Only if you're Riker.

Catthate: IS that a cat in your pants or a cat in your pants?

Mann: It's the second one, Spot…

Catthate: Oh… I'll take care of it.

THWACK!

Mann: O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OW-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W!

* * *

><p>On the Enterprise in a transporter room, Riker operates the panel.<p>

Riker: My consultation with O'Brien reminded me of a procedure that would form another containment beam out of one… If I magnify the procedure, I should have enough containment to get someone through. I'd say, magnify it by a few thousand or so.

Geordi Comm: Right…

Riker: Mann, since I hate you, I'll try out this procedure on you…

Riker energises…

Geordi runs in…

Geordi: NO! DON'T! IF YOU DO THAT YOU'LL…

Riker: Too late.

Seven Mann beam in.

Manns: Huh?

Riker: Oh no…

Geordi: You shouldn't have done that without checking with me first.

The Manns step down…

Riker: There are more in the buffer, but this… I'd be a murderer if I purged it… So I won't. But, I know what I can do to even the score a little…

He taps, energises, Seven Spot beam in and hack the Manns.

Riker laughs evilly.

* * *

><p>Captain's Log, After materialising all the Mann's and all the Spots, it was thought right just to send the away team a shuttle craft instead. After talking to O'Brien, I determined that Riker chose that transporter procedure without any advice from him…<p>

First Officer's Lorg… O'Brien's not in my good books, I have nothing to say to him. I think he'll know why.

Pinky's Log, Livingston is recovering well in sickbay, Jonny and I had some ice cream with him, and his medication seems to be working, thanks to Doctor Selar prescribing the right kind this time…. Beverley had been giving the wrong dosage, and prescription for the last four years. Attacking those Romulans, I felt bad. I promised the universe I'd rarely, if never, use any violence against anyone… Willingly. But… It was necessary. And now, I owe Mann and Mm and Dang, for not giving up on me.

* * *

><p>Later, Mann walks into a lift and sees another Mann and Catthate being occupied with each other.<p>

Mann: YOU!

Mann2: Erm, yeah…

Catthate: Mann here, is taking me to a Starbase, Starship life, just isn't for me. I thought I wanted to be a pilot, but really, I'd rather just be safe…

Mann: Mann you're a pirate not a pilot. But, at least one of us will have a happy marriage.

* * *

><p>In the ready room, Picard and Pinky sit staring at each other.<p>

Pinky: You know, now you deserve to wear that uniform.

Picard: Good, I'll wear it…

Riker walks in.

Riker: We do know by brain scans done by Alyssa which is the original Mann, there's also another complicated process that tells us which is the main real one, and which were duplicated. But I suppose they're all real. And what's more, they're taking over the ship.

* * *

><p>Personal Log, Mann number 20238938, a session with Counsellor Troi…<p>

MUHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

* * *

><p>In Troi's office, two Mann hold down Riker, with another sitting on him, two others walk Troi out.<p>

Mann-escort1: So, wanna go the arboretum?

Troi: YES!

Mann-escort2: I love flowers, but none are as nice as you.

Troi: oh thank you Mann.

Mann-escort1: Please, Richard…

Riker: YOU'RE DEAD MANNS MANN…S . DEAD MANNS!

Sitting Mann: Having loads of us can't possibly be a bad thing.

* * *

><p>Another Mann walks into a public-use lavatory later…<p>

Every position is filled by Manns.

Mann: AH! DARN IT!

* * *

><p>Pinky: FIN.<p> 


End file.
